Finding Purpose
I've felt weird lately
Lately I've been feeling pretty bad about my life. I got this feeling that nothing was working out and that no matter how hard I'd try I won't succeed at anything. Naturally these thoughts are nonsense, but when experiencing them it feels very real nonetheless.
For more than a year now I've been sitting at home, trying to make the best of a situation that really sucks. I first tried to fill the void by studying my butt off. Whether it was Japanese, coding or learning about how to succeed at YouTube, I'd spend my days constantly studying. But when I started to notice this was not the way, I fell in a black hole and felt a deep sense of purposelessness.
Accepting bad days
The thing that I just can't seem to put my finger on is why some days I feel like my old self, while other days I genuinely feel bad my situation. For example, this past week I've been feeling really down, yet yesterday and today I'm feeling perfectly fine and content... even hopeful about the future. Although this is easier said then done, I want to learn to accept my bad days.
When I have bad days I tend to look for a solution. I try to find something about myself or my behavior to blame in order to prevent another bad day in the future. But it turns out this doesn't work at all. Both on good and bad days I go for walks in the forest, spend time with my parents, watch my favorite old sitcoms & anime, read books & manga and just try to make the best of it. But sometimes, no matter what you do, it all feels hopeless. It turns out that although I don't have to like it, it is okay to feel that way. I think we all feel that way sometimes.
Purpose
One thing that I genuinely lack is purpose. I have plenty to do, but I really miss having a calling. I used to have one. I was planning on moving to Japan and starting a business there. I already had a Japanese business partner and everything. But then COVID happened and the borders closed. My business partner continued without me. I don't blame him for that, but I do feel bad about such a missed opportunity.Actively searching for a new purpose is harder than it looks! Many things I've tried were either not for me, or I failed at them spectacularly. I also have zero patience for BS nowadays which has made exploring new avanues in life also more difficult. But it isn't all bad though. I have learned to accept that my career and my goals don't define me. My life is valuable to me, whether I have big dreams and goals or not. That doesn't mean I don't want to find a grand purpose to strive towards, but I am becoming more okay with the idea that for now I am living a life without a grand purpose. I still get to spend time with the people I love, visit the places I want to visit, enjoy the media I love and eat delicious food.
