I'm Feeling a bit Better
Burnout
In January 2025, I posted a video titled “I Have Burnout and It’s Not Fun.”
In that video, I shared my initial feelings about burnout. At the time, the best way I could describe it was as a combination of stress, disappointment, and feeling lost.
Over time, my burnout got worse, which was quite an odd experience considering I wasn’t even working anymore. Yet somehow, all of those bad feelings just got stronger.
During the first couple of weeks, I remember not being able to do anything. All I could do was sleep. And after weeks of just sleeping all the time, I decided that I couldn’t go on like this. So, I picked up coding.
Coding wasn't for me'
Since I had all this free time now, I thought I could use it to learn how to code and become a full-stack web developer. That way, all this time sitting at home, being tired all the time, wouldn’t feel wasted.
Even when I started noticing that coding wasn’t for me—that I found it incredibly boring—I kept going. Why? Because I didn’t want to feel lost. I didn’t want to feel like I was wasting my time. I wanted to feel like I was working toward something.
It turns out, though, that forcing yourself to do something you don’t enjoy while going through burnout is a very bad idea. After I finally decided to stop—which took me months—my feelings of being lost increased even more.
I lost my spark
I felt useless. I felt like no matter what I did, I’d never get out of this burnout. I was disappointed in myself and disappointed in life. If working so hard for years on end got me here, what was it all for?
My mother put it best when she said I’d lost my spark. When you feel like no matter what you do, it’s all for nothing, life becomes very hard.
The worst part of it all was how incredibly tired I felt every single day. Looking back at the eight months I’ve been experiencing burnout, the thing that got to me the most was being completely exhausted all the time. It affects your daily life, your mood, and even how you treat others. Everything in life becomes too much because of the exhaustion.
That brings me to the title of this post: I’m Starting to Feel Better.
My spark is back
These last eight months were truly awful. I experienced little to no joy in my life for a long time—but now, a spark is starting to come back. It’s still small and needs to be nurtured. I still need to take it easy every day. But instead of being constantly exhausted, I’m finally starting to get a bit of energy back.
Even after going for long walks or having friends over, I still have enough energy to live my life and not sleep for the rest of the day. That might seem small, but for me, that’s a major improvement.
For months, even when I did nothing, I’d have to sleep all day—let alone if I did something social.
And it’s not just about having more energy. Now that I’m not so exhausted all the time, I finally have time again to dream and explore my hobbies. I finally have time again to think about my future. I finally have time again to plan my life.
This is another major improvement for me, because even before my burnout, I felt incredibly stuck. I felt stuck in my job and had no idea how to get out of it. All I wanted to do was escape my life. I made plans I didn’t think through because all I cared about was getting out—no matter what.
Now that I’m starting to feel better, my mind is clearing up, and I’m able to make better plans.
Done with Japan
For one, Japan is not the way out. My plan used to be to escape to Japan, because according to my old self, everything was better there. I was going to teach English and escape all of my problems. Sure, the pay was low—but I’d be in the country that stole my heart.
Naturally, that was nonsense. Japan is a fun country to visit, but not to live in forever. As a foreigner, Japan is not the place to be. You’ll never be one of them. You’ll never be truly accepted there.
And it’s not just that—my values have changed. I don’t want to be an ALT teaching English in Japan as the “white clown.” Sure, if you’re in your early 20s, that might be fine. But I’m hitting 30 soon. My values and aspirations are changing.
So, I’ve decided to book a vacation to Japan this October for two weeks. I’m going to visit all the places I went to during my college days in Japan. That way, I can say goodbye to it all.
What's next?
Now, am I 100% sure what I’ll do next? Absolutely not. But I do have some ideas.My first goal is to move out of my parents’ house next year. I’m aiming for an apartment in a new complex that’s currently being built not too far from here.
My second goal is to get an easy job that’s fully—or at least partially—remote. I don’t really care what kind of job it is, as long as it doesn’t come with as many responsibilities as my previous one. I just want to clock in, do my work, not deal with too much social interaction, and be done once I get home.
To many people, that might sound normal—but to me, that sounds like pure luxury. As a teacher, you’re never done when you get home.
I’m sure that eventually I’ll have more dreams and goals, but for now, this sounds great.
I won't run away
I always thought I wanted to flee from my hometown. I felt like I needed to travel the world to be truly satisfied. But fleeing isn’t the answer. I actually like it here. Sure, I still want to see more of the world and will travel to many countries in my lifetime—but I can’t deny that I like my hometown. The only reason I wanted to leave was because I wanted to escape my job and the vicious cycle it created.
I thought that was the only way. But after my burnout, I’m starting to realize that life is much more nuanced.